Christmas Sucks!

I am so pissed off right now. I know, I know my mom doesn't like when I talk like this. Actually I am so mad right now she'd probably pass out from the line of swear words running through my brain. The ones in Italian don't make me feel like I am swearing though! I just want to scream or like my four year old told me tonight through his tears, rip down all the decorations, burn the Christmas tree in the back yard and throw all the presents in the trash. Sorry for those of you who can't wait till it's this time of year. Christmas officially sucks.

I am so happy for all of my friends who just got married, got pregnant, had their first baby, got pregnant for baby number 2, had baby number 2 and so on. I'm so pumped for those who are headed off to the mission field, embarking into a new ministry or really just seeing a lot of breakthrough. Please don't take offense. I probably will have to swear off myspace for a while. I am trying to be genuinly excited for all of you but the more I read and see the more pissed off I become. I know I need to just 'get mad at the devil' b/c he's the real enemy. Funny thing is that it's kinda hard to make out who the enemy is right now. Presently the enemy has an accent, needs to bath more often, is running our business into the ground and better stop wearing my ear rings....gross.

I know some of you are judging. You may not even realize it. Many have called giving me advice, sent me books, writing me e-mails. I appreciate all of you and your concern. I could read every self-help marriage book, go to shrinks, talk with pastors, and get prayer, but if he doesn't care there is nothing I can do. Only God can change the situation from here on out. I have put up for 6 years now and I will go no further.

To those of you getting married, really think about what you're doing. I never thought I'd be in this position, we were going to be together for life, love would conquer all...no, it conquers for those who want it to conquer.

So here goes

I think for some reason I thought this would be slightly therapeutic....funny how the words just don't seem to come.

I'm going through a huge transition in my life right now and hope that in some way I can gain some footing by writing about it when all it seems I'm doing is losing ground. I am almost done with a pretty ugly divorce, not ugly b/c we're fighting over kids or possessions, ugly b/c it is quite literally death. Death to vows and oaths, death to love, death to dreams that I had made for our family's future.

In a way I am mourning just like i would if someone had really died. At first it was all I could think about I didn't want to wake up or do anything, I couldn't get through the day without constantly rehearsing where I'd gone wrong, where he'd gone wrong. Sometimes I was so angry I couldn't focus on anything. Then over time you almost feel guilty for not feeling so bad. I worried that I wasn't sad enough and that I should be a lot more upset than what I truly am. Day by day a little bit more dies, I feel less and less at a loss and more like I am gaining life. I haven't had a life in years, I've been hibernating, hiding. I don't think a relationship is healthy if you just diminish until you almost disappear. That's what I've done, the real me has almost disappeared over the past 7 years. I'm so grateful that the little bit that was left of myself was unwilling to just give up and become a zombie and perpetuate this horrible sham of a marriage.

If I ever begin to doubt myself and think that it wasn't so bad all I have to do is look at my babies and realize that when the line is crossed continually it's better to grow up with no dad than live with a bad dad.