So here goes

I think for some reason I thought this would be slightly therapeutic....funny how the words just don't seem to come.

I'm going through a huge transition in my life right now and hope that in some way I can gain some footing by writing about it when all it seems I'm doing is losing ground. I am almost done with a pretty ugly divorce, not ugly b/c we're fighting over kids or possessions, ugly b/c it is quite literally death. Death to vows and oaths, death to love, death to dreams that I had made for our family's future.

In a way I am mourning just like i would if someone had really died. At first it was all I could think about I didn't want to wake up or do anything, I couldn't get through the day without constantly rehearsing where I'd gone wrong, where he'd gone wrong. Sometimes I was so angry I couldn't focus on anything. Then over time you almost feel guilty for not feeling so bad. I worried that I wasn't sad enough and that I should be a lot more upset than what I truly am. Day by day a little bit more dies, I feel less and less at a loss and more like I am gaining life. I haven't had a life in years, I've been hibernating, hiding. I don't think a relationship is healthy if you just diminish until you almost disappear. That's what I've done, the real me has almost disappeared over the past 7 years. I'm so grateful that the little bit that was left of myself was unwilling to just give up and become a zombie and perpetuate this horrible sham of a marriage.

If I ever begin to doubt myself and think that it wasn't so bad all I have to do is look at my babies and realize that when the line is crossed continually it's better to grow up with no dad than live with a bad dad.